If Only

I never thought I'd want more than one. My pregnancy with Pepita was a nightmare. It was a nightmare. If I wasn't on bed rest, I was on my knees with my head in a toilet. At one point I actually said, "People who have more than one kid are crazy." And I really meant it. Why would anyone want to do that to themselves again?

And that was just the selfish pity party part of the nightmare. Daily heart monitoring is scary. Listening to ultra sound technicians talking about umbilical cord anomalies is scary. Hearing that your baby isn't growing right from strangers in a hospital the size of a small city is fucking scary.


Pepita and her cousin Jeremy

I'm making tees right now that I'm actually considering putting aside... just in case. There is no reason to keep the tiny clothes. But holding this teeny rapper t-shirt (thank you Jen!) and then rocking my not so teeny anymore baby girl to sleep makes my uterus hurt just a little.

I keep thinking... if only we had a bigger house... if only I didn't have such a rotten case of Lyme... If only we could afford two school tuitions (and seriously, just the cost of one would blow your mind). If only.

The Lyme disease is the biggest problem. It's what knocked me flat out for months and months last year, it's likely why I ended up half dead in septic shock well before my daughter was even conceived. And I'm certain that Lyme is what complicated my pregnancy, and the reason my Pepita is truly a miracle baby. She wanted so badly to be here and she fought so hard to make it so.

I don't know what I'd do without my brother, and I keep meeting people and making friends who rely every day on their siblings. Every day. Pepita is just fine being an only child, but I worry about later... when she's an only adult.